2002-03-09 - 1:48 a.m.
Today, I faced the ugly realization that we all have to grow up. Some people have the luxury of not being rushed into this but in my case, there's no dilly dallying. It has to be now.
Today, I made up my mind that I am definitely moving out of my parents' house this May and try to make it on my own. I made up my mind that I am taking that house on Louis St. and take the responsibilty of paying every month's rent without calling daddy for help.
This decision took many nights of just staying up and sorting things out in my head. And now my decision is final.
There is no cure for crappy parents. That's why life would be easier for me if I just became independent. I'd rather that than go through the frustration of living under their roof, and trying to accept the mere fact that my own parents ARE crappy.
I sound as though they're so horrible. They're not. They're actually very hip and cool for their age. HOwever, there's this pink bubble surrounding them -- just the two of them. They can include their kids in their bubble, and face the responsibilities of having kids as they please. But if they don't feel like it, tough! For them, I'm ONLY their kid, and I reiterate - ONLY and JUST THAT. Thus I should always be grateful for bringing me into this supposedly wonderful world even though I didn't ask for it.
Their priorities are messed up. I haven't gotten my allowance in 6 weeks now. I also haven't gotten the money for my tuition payment yet. They know that I don't have a meal plan in school, so that means I have no food. I also spend countless hours at night worrying about my school needs. These are things that they should have secured. I do not ask for anything more. These are also what I am entitled to being that I'm their daughter, one whom they brought into this supposedly gleeful world.
What really hurts is that inspite of all my unanswered needs, they can afford to play Mah-jongg(a chinese tile game) with their quorum. My dad can afford to buy a Dooney and Burke wallet for my mom. My dad can afford to go to San Francisco for a week. And my mom can afford to plan a reunion holiday with her clan in Vegas for this summer. I just can't understand how this is possible. I don't think I ever would.
It IS sad. But as I said, we all have to grow up sometime. My sister Chay told me LOOONG ago that I can only help myself, and that I only truly have myself to rely on. Now I know what she means.
Tonight, she and I brainstormed on the phone about how I could possibly afford to live by myself. Thanks to a loan approval from SallieMae, my dilemma is solved. Having that talk with my sister made me understand that I may only have myself to depend on, but I'm not particularly alone after all.
