2002-04-04 - 9:25 p.m.
You can always rely on a cup of ice cream to make you feel better when you're down and out. In fact I just had one, banana split flavor from FRIENDLY's, and it cheered me up a bit.
I did some thinking and it made me sad. I pondered, 'where have my friends gone?' I just feel like my friends just aren't my friends anymore. Granted we couldn't talk as much as before because we've gone separate ways, but shouldn't there be a mutual effort to keep friendships alive?
I always had a lot of friends, in highschool and in the Philippines. I remember one time, I had to go to the infirmary coz I felt ill, and I got teary-eyed because I was walking by myself. Yes, I DID have a lot of friends, from different groups and different grade levels even. The worst thing was being without them.
When I left the Philippines, two lines which were ubiquitously used were 'Don't change, ok?' and 'Keep in touch.' I did try to keep in touch. I sent a number of letters, but only a handful wrote me back. Some never even sent me anything. I just found comfort in thinking that when I do go back there for a visit, I'm sure that they'll make time for me.
When I graduated from highschool I left my undergraduate friends, and my batchmates and I parted ways. Those ubiquitous lines were used once more. Again, I exerted effort into keeping in touch. I made time for my undergraduate friends, and they seemed delighted whenever I visited my ole highschool. Now most of them have graduated from highschool too. It seems like when I do get to talk to some of them, the conversation's brief, and the seemingly trendy line is 'I'm sorry, I'm really busy. I gotta go.' Some of them are into drugs now too. The planned get-together and hanging-out never seem to take place.
In college, I met new people. Apart from Pat, most of them are mere acquaintances only. This university is so big that I feel like most of my friendships from my classes haven't really extended beyond the classroom. I only see my so-called friends here during parties and other drunken escapades. I don't exactly run to them when I'm facing a crisis.
I can't help but ask, where and what did I lack? I tried really hard to abide by those ubiquitous lines. How come they didn't? I feel sad because I don't think I've changed in any significant way. Yes, I matured, but don't we all? My values are still intact. Their friend Gabby is still the same Gabby as they used to know even though they themselves have changed magnificently.
I think I've dwelled too much and too long in this niche, only now I realize that it's no longer there. This leaves me thinking how coming to grow or counting years behind us is supposed to be a good thing. But it sure as hell can be such a bitch sometimes.
Writing about it made me feel sad all over again. Good thing I have more ice cream in my freezer. At least I can count on that -- for now. Come to think of it, ice cream melts. You can put it back in the freezer to refreeze it, but it's never quite the same. Yes, it's very much like some friendships I know.
