Into-Me-See

2002-04-14 - 1:08 a.m.

When I started this journal, I consciously promised myself that I wouldn't turn it into a typical teensy, angstful diary. Tonight is going to have to be an exception.

Could I just get your permission to yell out and say that MY PARENTS TRULY FUCKIN SUCK!!! That seems like an understatement compared to the aggravation I feel right now.

I went home today together with Pat as planned. When we got to my parents' house, they were not there. We thought maybe they just ran an errand or something. They knew we were coming because they particularly asked me when I left on Thursday. 2 hours or so passed and they still weren't home. I get a call from my dad. He's wondering if I'm there or not. Guess where the fuck they were?? They were all the way in Bayonne (without traffic, it's about an hour away from the house) and guess what they were doing? They were playing their gambling game, mahjongg. When he told me what they were doing, I just felt a flash of heat from my neck rise up to my cheeks then to my ears. At that point I didn't care about avoiding a confrontation anymore. I asked him how they could do this. How could they gamble knowing that they haven't given me money for my tution, books or allowance for months now. I told him that I couldn't understand. I said, "Do you think it's not hard for me that I don't even have any money for food? Do you even care?" And then he says, "Well you're the one who hasn't been home."

Let me ask you. Say you're a parent and your daughter is dorming and busy with school. Is her not coming home reason enough for you to abandon your responsibilities as a parent? Besides, I only stopped going home when my email asking them for help was ignored. I didn't want to go home because I was hurt!

You know, they are well-aware of the fact that most of my paycheck goes to credit card bills which my MOM, not I, accrued. And yet they managed to pay NO attention whatsoever to my needs (school, living, etc.) the past couple of months. They have money for other things, but not for me. I guess I have accepted that but it still hurts when it gets rubbed in.

It's also so upsetting too how they knew that I was coming home and yet they still left to gamble. I just can't believe how capable they are of hurting me this much.

You know what, I've done my part. From here, I just don't know what else to do as a daughter. I think I should just give it up. They're hopeless. We ended our conversation on the phone with me saying "You know what pa, just whatever, do whatever you want, I won't care anymore." He was speechless for the most part, but he said "We'll talk more later." We hung up, I cried to Pat, and we left the house. I wasn't gonna sit there and wait for them to get home. I may only be their daughter but I'm no sucker.

My half-sister from my dad's side, Trish, whom I never liked, and who only calls my dad whenever she needs money is planning to attend grad-school here in the States come September of this year. She asks my dad for all sorts of things like gym fees, down to the $10 GRE/TOEFL processing fee. Ten frickin dollars!!! By the way, she's TWENTY-SIX and she's working!! Gosh, if she doesn't have money to pay for 10 dollars, then she's probably gonna depend on my dad to put her through grad school. A big HAH!! And what does my dad say about this? Nothing else but YES, SURE THING dear. And here I am, 19 years old, trying to put myself through college AND paying off a $2500 credit card debt from which I didn't even benefit.

Sometimes I feel like my dad will always feel guilty for leaving his other kids. But I didn't ask or choose to be in this position. It's not my fault I became their daughter. Why should I suffer the consequences of their actions?

Sometimes I can't help but hate the day I was born. Hate is such a strong word but it's how I feel. Maybe it would have been better for everyone if my mom just had an abortion or if I hadn't been conceived at all. Then my parents didn't have a reason to stay together, and maybe they would have gone back to their own first families.

All my life I've felt like I'm a heavy burden to people around me. God I pray for the day when I don't feel this way anymore. Please let it come soon.

I just want to end this with a big and loud.. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHGHH!!!!

Thanks.

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